Had a wonderful weekend with Jeff and Elaina!We went to The Treehouse Cafe to play in the huge treehouse they have their. We had coffee and watched Elaina go crazy running around .After tha,t we had ice cream and headed out skating.
 
She wasn't too happy about that!!It was her first time and she told me she will never do it again!lol 10 steps on the ice and she flew in raging fit!Nothing could calm her down only getting off the ice right away!lol My idea and I guess never again. I did a lap around. Boy, I really suck!I hate the skates I have. Their mens skates. I'm so used to Woman's figure skates.Next time-Note to self, bring the woman's skates!

After that, we bought a few grogeries.Bought a steak and some blue cheese for the steak .Bottle of wine.It was a nice evening with the hubby.I love those times.Lazy weekend home eating and drinking wine and snuggling on the couch.Good times. There will be a few of these weekends,since he is not playing or playing away for awhile(April).It's good and it's bad.

The topic of baby snickered in the conversation the other night.I told him that one the baby loss momma's had her baby and that I was really happy for her. I even talk myself to e-mailing or Facebooking her and to wish her well and to congraduate her. She thanked me for that.I'm glad I did it!I had too!She is a nice person but there are times she is so negative.Anyways, I did my part and I feel better I did.I really do wish her well.

The topic of baby. Anyways, we were talking on the couch about babies and how Elaina was wanting baby to play with and she rubbed my belly and told me she wished their was a baby in their. My heart broke !I told that to Jeff one night ,after telling about one of the baby loss momma's had her baby. I teared up and he said something like",I know Elaina wants a baby. I don't know if we can do it or our marriage".. He told me wanted one and love to have one but....I looked at him and I my heart broke and tears poured down my face.I pulled my face to the couch and sobbed.I told him I want one so bad!I don't what going on with me for the last couple of weeks but I have baby on the brain so much lately.It's unbearable.I tried saying, you'll have your grandbaby. Then I say, I want my own. Then I say, you can love it and give the baby back to mommy but I want to keep him/her forever.It's not my baby. I also wanted a puppy and I still do but I'm waiting for the right time and the money to get one. I so crave a baby or uppy something that's mine.

Sunday,we went to friends for supper and the topic came up.But it was Jeff who mentioned it.We were on the topic of only child and Jeff mentioned to our friends she been asking  to have another baby sister or brother and rubbing my tummy. I was shocked he said this to them . I guess he was waiting for a response and well, our friend has a little girl and that's it. They don't really want another but they said she will be ok. Yup, ok. Anyways, I'm surpirsed he mentioned and ....I really think he is giving some thought to it. Because he doesn't get all up-tight and changes the topic.:)


 

Having baby on the brain a lot lately.I so want to have another even though my daughter is having one in June. Is this wrong to feel this?I should be happy with a grand baby on the way?Maybe this will help stop the "Wanting" another child. I don't know what to do. Jeff doesn't know that I 'm feeling this way. The hidden feelings of another pregnancy. I know he would say "No" for sure. He tells me your going to be a "Nanny", that will help stop the urning for another baby. I don't know now. Werid!I so want something now. I so want a puppy.A Yorkie.I really need something to take this emptiness away.It really is comsuming me lately. I hate it!

I got my biopsy report back and I don't have cancer nor did I have a infection?Well, they gave me a heavy dose of Antibotics, to treat it as a infection and it worked. My pain and heavy bleeding seem to die down. The birth control helped to have regualate my period again!YES!Thank-you Jesus! I have a 6 month supply of birth control and still taking my iron pills until the end of March.I'm still a little tried but I think it due to SAD.I really need a Therapy Lamp.Getting out more and exericse.I gained a lot of weight after the loss of Faith. A whole 50 pounds !!I'm so depressed!!!!I look like crap  and I feel sad,empty and not attractive any more. I really need to work on my me. Need to get out more. Need for me .Do my hair and nails.That sort of  stuff. I don't do that. I take care of my family and I neglect myself.

I'm starting  a meal plan and exericse plan as well on sparkpeople.com.My SIL mention it and I really need to do something for myself and also feel better about my self. The weight is bringing me down. Tried all the time. I'm sick and Tried of being sick and tried.Time for ME!Starting Monday!!!



 

Tonight sitting on the chair reading .Elaina comes up and says,"Mommy, Why is your belly big".Thanks! I'm big!lol Kids say the darniest things. I told her ,"Mommy loves chocolate too much and that's why my belly is big!":)I can't really tell her it's all the pregnancies I had and the last pregnancy, pregnancy 6, my body is not back to when it was after I lost Robbie. I lost a lot of weight with Robbie and I looked good. After the miscarrige in August,the D&C, my body is messed!!I gained a few pounds and feel uncomfortable.

Anyways,Elaina starts rubbing my belly and she says,"Mommy I wish you had a baby in your belly".Oh ,God ,I wanted to cry so hard.I told her ,"I do do too but mommy can't right now".She said,"Yeah,but  .......Poor thing! I love her so much.She wants someone to play with.She is lonely and she so wants another sibling.Her older siblings are never home and the other one moved out in March last year. I wish,so wish her baby brother ,Robbie was alive!I feel like I disappointed her .



 

So busy this weekend!!! Getting preparations ready for Elaina's 4th birthday Party. This will be my first time I'll be making a cake.It's going to be amazing!! Going to make a mermaid cake.All made from scratch!!I'm soo excited. I hope the heck I don't mess up:(I'll upload pictures later of the the end result.

Jeff is away for work. He left Thursday morning. I've been very busy ,so it will help keep my mind busy instead of thinking of him. I kinda miss him!:)He won't be home for Valentine's. Bah Humbug!!Everyone here is all excited  and celebrating Valentine's with pretty gifts and dinners out.I'm home with Elaina with a supper for two(Pork Chops and veggies and mash potatoes)For dessert, Valentine Cake I made last night.

My MIL came over and bought me a box of Chocolates!How sweet is that! I love my MIL!!!!

I guess I'm feeling blahEmotional, I guess!He is not here.Everyone going out to dinner and home here yet again, alone. I feel depressed.Thinking so much lately I can't get to be for 1 AM .No meds could help me sleep. I'm thinking of me being induced this week and I so miss Faith.Even if I didn't get to hold her,I still miss her.I can't stop thinking  about what could've been.


Wednesday I have my my appt at IWK for the results of my biopsy and to figure out what we are going to do with birth control. I don't really know still. Jeff said he doesn't like me on the Pill.It changes my "Mood".I try everything for birth control. I cannot get my tubes due to messing up with body and my hormones and depression.The only thing Jeff getting a vasetomy.I don't even know if he should get it done still. I don't know why.Jeff is taking afternoon off to take me their. Maybe he'll sit in and discuss what methods of birth control would be suitable for us.Finally hear hear what he wants because he is not telling me.The other night, out of the blue, he said"Are you still taking the pill?"I told him of course.He smirked at me and said ,yah!Yah ,what?lolI'm taking it regliously.

Wednesday I'll be on the Radio.Yup, I'm going on C100 Wednesday morning-11:30 .It's  at the IWK.They have a Radiothon for Spriritual Care and they really want me to speak in behave of the group on support from I recieved after I lost Robbie and were their when they blessed Robbie before he left our lives forever.I will also talk briefly on our Walk to Remember and Stacey and Caitlin will cover the walk etc. I'm excited and urber nervous. I hope I don't mess up!

Time to make supper for Two tonight!Happy Valentine's Ladies!